She just doesn't get it

My grandmother phoned and left me four messages while I was at work today. I hate it when she does that.

Her phone messages are always the same, regardless of why she is calling. They begin with a long, low moan, then she whines for me to call her, and then you listen to ten to fifteen seconds of her fumbling with the phone, trying to hang up.

Then in about half an hour, she repeats the whole process. She usually calls back about six times, or until you call her back. She always sounds so miserable, like she's dying or in the throes of some sort of major emergency. I call as soon as I get however many messages she has left for me.

As always, when I call her, she's her regular bitchy self. "Oh," she says, "my TV remote stopped working this morning and the nurses can't fix it." I never know if I should offer to help or scream at her for fooling me again into thinking that she was calling about something important.

"Can you come over right now?" she asks.

"No, grandma. I'm at work and this isn't an emergency."

"But I called you."

"I'm at work grandma. I can't leave."

"But I called you." A couple of months ago, we brought our phones in to explain how they worked. Obviously we didn't do a good job because she still expects to call and find us all at home.

Today I had to hang up on her, because it is pointless to argue with her and I had work to do. She then phoned my mother to tell her that she was an awful person because she allowed me to go out and work. I told mom to tell her that I will quit my job as soon as she starts sending me something better than worthless $2 bills on holidays and staledated cheques that I can't cash for my birthday.

Until then, I'll be keeping my dayjob. Thank you very much.