It's all relative

Re: Grandma Eileen

She was in an unusually good mood the other day. She only swore a little, she smiled and she didn't bother complaining about any of our twitty relatives. She did however tell the man next door to her to shut up and drop on his head. Up until that point I had wondered what was wrong with her but it turns out that nothing was. Good to know.

Re: my father

It is a stupid idea to tell your mother-in-law about how you visited your own mother and had a nice time on the day when you should have been visiting your mother-in-law because it was her birthday. Everyone knows that. We were "busy" on her birthday, remember?

Re: my sister

She won her rugby game today and now they're in the finals. I was just leaving to see the game when I sat down and fell asleep for nearly an hour. So we went to Dairy Queen and walked home together. She's awesome, I tells ye, except for the fact that she didn't tape House last night and I don't want anyone to tell me what happened to Foreman. DON'T TELL ME! I want to watch it myself.

Re: my uncle Lloyd

Courtesy of him there's a large chunk of chocolate cake sitting on the kitchen table and it's calling out to me. It's terrible cake and it has too much icing but it has that fake custard stuff inside. It beckons...

Re: my mother

She interviewed people all day and now she's talking about every single one of them. One guy managed to say "sort of" 90+ times in the space of twenty minutes. They kept a tally. My mother feels obligated to phone him to tell him exactly why he didn't get the job and suggest that he get some help to fix his speech impediment.