Saturday, November 25, 2006

In which I do some detective work

Just so you know, if you use the Faroese and Icelandic versions of Google, my blog comes up first for the search "make love to a faroese girl".

When I found that out, I was intrigued, so I decided to see what exactly Google was linking to. That brought me to my May 2006 archives, where on May 31st we celebrated my father's birthday and I recited haiku about venerial diseases and made my mother laugh.

On May 30 I was pissed off at my keyboard at work because it was a French one, and not an English, which means that the backspace button is only 1/3 the size I'm used to. On May 29 I ate a sprig of oregano straight off the plant and it burned.

May 28: "Sometimes I even get bored of breathing but you can't very well just stop doing that. Sure, you can hold your breath but once you pass out and turn blue you'll automatically start breathing again when you hit the floor. Try it. I promise it works. That is, unless you do it while you're knee-deep in water or something. I don't intend to." Seems to me someone quoted that and I was flattered at the time.

May 26: The boy that lives upstairs from my parents abducted my cat for a playdate and she made a mess of their couch. May 25: train derailment resulted in me getting to work on time rather than early. May 24: I discover that this blog can not be accessed from government computers and you'd have thought that I would have guessed that without trying it.

May 23: I got a copy of Kaizers Orchestra's Viva la Vega from the most charmingest, kindest, handsomest Norwegian I know. I popped it into my dvd player, squealed loudly and promptly neglected my blog.

May 22: I more or less formally moved out from home. Sort of. Well, it was sort of the end of a couple of months of sort of moving. That and "I spent my time in the shower today contemplating the similarities between cigarettes and ziggurats and couldn't find any. I finally settled upon the word plectrum. Plectrum. Plectrum. It's just a cool word."

May 21 wasn't a very memorable post but I admitted that my parents are the only accidental cult members I know and Peter thought the title was catchy.

May 20: my dad and I explored the lingerie section of the Bay. Irritation ensued. May 18: I quoted Marshall McLuhan: "We are the genitals of technology." May 17: I had a fight with a photocopier. May 16: I got lost downtown looking for Howe. May 15: Edna the census lady informed me that my place of residence doesn't exist.

May 14: my grandmother told once again the completely fabricated story about how she bit my cousin's ear off. May 12: I was at an NDP party for the NDP Party. Met Svend Robinson, Jack Layton and Joy McPhail. They're pretty cool. May 10: "I just can't resist the seductive charm of a plywood woman who offers me chow mein."


On May 9 I mentioned the Faroese language, because Kimananda gave me the letter F.

May 8: "1. And in the beginning there was breakfast"... "3. And Erin was made to stand and wait for the bathroom. And Erin danced up and down and crossed her legs and got pissed off until someone let her in. May 7: honour box manure.

May 5: Cinco de Mayo, the international celebration of my mother's birthday. May 4: my dad made the stupid mistake of telling his mother-in-law that we missed her birthday because we were visiting the other grandma. She responded by telling the man next door to "drop on his head".

And the second aha!

May 3: Uncle Lloyd tells a joke: "So, I email Marilyn and say do you want to make love tonight? and she emails me back, no. Must be a default in the damn computer program or something."

Sneaky Google. It picks the most obscure words and phrases possible from my blog just so it can lure poor, misguided Scandinavians in with the promise of sex. Case closed.

Though to be fair to May 1st:

"My father suggested that I lay down on the train tracks and rest my ear on the rails so I could listen for trains approaching and my sister suggested that I just leave my head there.

I said something that bothered my sister at some point or other today and she kneed me in the crotch, which both anatomically and otherwise was a pointless waste of time."

Pictured above are the best pictures I took in May.