Squid

When we moved two years ago, each member of my family had his/her own cell phone, so we discontinued our landline phone service. That meant none of us were listed in the phone book.

The immediate advantage to having an unlisted number is that telemarketers and representatives of political parties no longer phone you during dinner. A less obvious advantage is that estranged relatives that you don't want to talk to will not look you up and call.

One of the conditions stated in the contract when I moved into my apartment was that I would have a phone line. My landlord pays for it, and uses it to leave occasional messages on my voicemail that I am then unable to retrieve because I can't remember what my phone number is. I do not use the phone and I have never given the number out.

Imagine my surprise when the phone began to ring. Imagine my greater surprise when the person on the other end of the line turned out to be none other than my uncle Squid.

Squid, you may or may not remember, has always shown a blatant disregard for other people. He is the type of person who borrows things without giving them back, or just takes them without letting you know. Because he has the same initials as my father, every time he is caught speeding he gives the police officer my father's name and address and we get the speeding ticket and a fine for driving without a licence in the mail.

The last time I saw him he was sitting in a McDonalds eating a Big Mac complaining about his multiple heart surgeries and high blood pressure, and talking about how no doctor was going to fucking tell him what to do.

He was reasonably polite to me on the phone, though, so I lied and told him that I'm stupid and I know nothing about anything, and he should talk to my dad if he wanted to know where my grandmother had moved. I think that was the right thing to say...

Speaking of estranged relatives, my mom mentioned the possibility of picking up Harold the Hun's ashes from the funeral home over the weekend because they've been sitting there since September. There has been some dispute as to how we should dispose of them. A garbage can would suffice, but my aunt has suddenly become overly-sentimental about it and wants us to pay the 5000 or so dollars to have the ashes buried in a cemetery plot and then however many thousand it takes to have a stone made for him. Nota bene that she was the same person who moved and had her phone number delisted when she was 21 so that he wouldn't call, and hasn't spoken to him since.

I just can't understand why anyone would want to pay over twice what he left behind to honour him when he was such an abusive person. It makes no sense, but many things in the world don't.