A painting of Jesus wandering for a dartboard, you know he's seen you naked a million times

I'm very tired and I could fall asleep right here, right now, were it not for the fact that I'm contractually obligated to be awake for another hour and fifteen minutes. An hour and fourteen now, not that it really makes much of a difference.

It bothers people when they find out how much time I sit in here with the lights off, but it bothers me when lights are on just for the sake of being on, just as it bothers me when music is played just for the sake of having background noise. It's unnecessary. When I think as far back as I can remember, I can't find a single time when I've ever heard silence, like real silence. And yet some people insist that there is a void and that they will fill it. This is something that I have yet to understand.

So often I'll sit here, at my desk, with one lightbulb on in the entire apartment, in front of my window, blinds open. People ask me why I leave the blinds open, exposing myself to the view of anybody who cares to look (and they do). Would that not encourage stalkers, they ask, but the way I see it, in order to stalk me, someone would have to first be sufficiently interested, and I'm not convinced that that would happen.

And, if someone happens to look up and see me here, then I've accomplished one thing in that I've proven that I'm here, and that I didn't just leave a light on to fool people.

A friend of mine forwarded me a rather long email about all the ways you could protect yourself from being raped, and while I can appreciate her concern, it went straight into my trash. Apparently I am to cut my hair short, always take elevators, avoid a multitude of places at a multitude of times, change the way I dress, speak, act and be constantly looking over my shoulder, unless I'm being escorted by a male companion. Too bad that none of those precautions would save you from the fact that statistically it's more likely to happen to you in the safety and comfort of your own home or church or peer group with people you know and love and trust.

I don't think paranoia and fear is the solution to anything, and I'm paranoid about enough other things as it is.

I deal with this sort of stuff at work so much that sometimes I end up thinking about it at home, especially when I have nothing better to do, like now, when I'm sitting in a dark apartment with one light on, in plain view of whoever cares to see.

Some nights I bore myself to death.