Lights are out and I'm a mouse

I spent today moving stuff around the carport with my dad and setting up our lapidary machines.

I have been experiencing some trouble with my eyes lately and at times I've found it very difficult to look at my computer screen. Instead I find myself pacing around my apartment, trying not to focus on anything or strain my eyes, or closing them, which makes them more sore.

In all honesty, I could be feeling better right now, but I don't know how to make that happen. I wish it was as easy as a wonder drug or telling people what's going on in my brain, but it isn't, so I will continue waking up in the morning until I don't.

There is someone who has become preocupied lately with "bringing me out of my shell" for reasons which are beyond me. The fact is that we stand polar opposite from each other politically, and it irritates the hell out of me that she makes a conscious decision to not recycle a single thing. I'm really good at getting along with people I don't like by maintaining a polite, friendly and aloof demeanour. I think it's better that way.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually did say what I was on my mind, or shared my blog or my sketchbook with the people whom I consciously choose to keep a healthy distance from. On the one hand it might be a good thing to let some things out, but on the other, I'm not sure if I could handle the stigma. I hide my achievements as much as I hide my faults. I just hide. The closer I can come to disappearing the better.

I'm beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to handle it any other way.

If only I didn't have those manic days when I get out there and brag and drink too much and get myself elected for stuff and talk too fast and say stuff I don't mean and get good grades and attract everyone's attention, I would succeed. I just need to hide.