Recommended safe distance.

So we were almost out of Costco the other day and going through that ritual running of the gauntlet where they sort of half almost check to see if the stuff written down on your receipt is the same stuff in your cart when all of a sudden a woman completely oblivious to her surroundings bent over right in front of us, leaving her enormous buttocks a prime target for the front end of our shopping cart.

I noticed this first, and maybe I could have said something, but me being me, my eyes then travelled towards my father to see if he had noticed and then back to her butt, to witness what would happen if he didn't see her. He did, finally, and stopped barely a centimetre from her still upturned butt. There was a look of sudden relief on his face.

We stood there and waited until she started walking again. We were pretty much stuck behind her because there wasn't any room to go around. She was talking to her friend about something that required a high level of articulation and full-body gestures and suddenly she stopped and bent over again. Once again she narrowly missed being ploughed over by the shopping cart.

In driving school they don't tell you what the safe following distance is for when you're following an obese woman with a shopping cart. They really should because obviously we weren't maintaining a safe distance behind her.

She began to walk again and that was about the time when we finally made it to the employees who draw pictures on your receipts with felt markers. Once through that ordeal, dad started pushing the cart and almost immediately narrowly missed her giant upturned ass as she bent over a third time in front of us.

Meanwhile I was thinking LADY, YOU ARE TEMPTING FATE.

She stood up and turned around as she was stepping out the door, so for the first time we were acquainted with her face. Once free of her, we made a B-line to our vehicle, where conversation ensued:

"God, she looked like she had been run over by a lawnmower."

"Oh, I was going to say she had a face that only a mother could love."

"She looked kind of like the back end of a horse," I supplied.

"So we're all in agreement?"

"Yep."