Reasons why I'm not your girlfriend

I knit. I crochet. I cook. I sew. I garden. I fuss over people. I make jam and preserves and huge batches of cabbage rolls to save up for the winter. I mend old clothes so I don't have to buy new ones. In short, I'm your grandmother. No one wants to sleep with their grandmother.

I'm smarter than you. I delight in boring you with all the crap I read for school, or detailed descriptions of the research methods I use for my papers. It's so much more fun than talking about sports or tv or people we know.

I don't have time right now, but maybe I can pencil you in in three years or so.

I'm all talk and no action. I'll say "hey, we should do ___ sometime," but I'll never be the one to organize it. I'm the world's worst person for follow-through. I forget all but the most useless information.

I have a blog, and let's face it, blogging isn't sexy.

I can go months and months and months on end without shaving a single thing, but shhh, I didn't tell you that. When I'm particularly down I can go a week without leaving the house, showering or changing my clothes.

Even the most mundane and familiar social situations make me nervous, awkward and paranoid. I do self-medicate. I will say the wrong thing and kick myself later for it. I'm shy. I have a twitch. I blink too much. My voice cracks when I talk. I often fail to make a lasting impression of any sort.

I'm silly, random and childish. Sometimes I'm downright gross. I know no limits.

I think my taste in music is better than yours and I'll come across as fanatical. Same goes for movies, art, food, design and fashion.

I rather like tofu and lentils, thanks, and I will cook them and you will eat them, damn it.

I'm passive aggressive. I'm moody.

I talk to my cats, sometimes in their own language.

I never do anything interesting. I just stay home. People scare me.

And as far as looks go I'm average at best.