Three ways to end your relationship

I don't know about these people in America's Home Videos. There was a video where a couple of people had improvised some sort of slingshot thing, with elastics and a tire strung between two trees. Two guys pulled back on the tire with the intent of shooting the girl in it. Well, actually, I'm not sure what the intent was. You can never tell with these things.

Long story short, she kind of fell out on her head. The caption went something like "There's got to be a better way to break up with your girlfriend."

I don't know, really. I guess these people just don't know any better. I mean, Uncle Vic shot his first wife out of the end of a donkey boiler with a half-stick of dynamite. Their relationship ended shortly afterward.

Uncle Vic got bored of his second wife too. He took the ignition crank out of an old wind-up car and attached it to the kitchen stove. The next time his wife went to cook something, he turned the crank and electrocuted her. She wasn't impressed either. Divorce number two.

But then he met an American woman from old money in the south and he started dressing nicely and acting like a civilized human being. Acting like a civilized human being means not having to do with any of the rest of us.

Being the oldest child, I was supposed to be named Victoria, but my parents have this superstitious notion that children can inherit certain personality traits from the names they are given.