I rewrite fortune cookies

One day very soon you will pass a stranger at the side of the road who desperately needs your help. You will never meet this person, though he or she would have been the love of your life.

You will meet a blue eyed person and be repulsed by the way he snorts in conversation.

Consider the sponge. It sucks up everything you throw at it, but does that really make it a better sponge?

In the 16th Century an obscure Flemish artist painted a portrait that looked remarkably like you. He died unknown and unmourned.

Your best friend died before you were born. Your true love has yet to be born.

Even the simple act of breathing can kill you.

This Americanized Chinese food is loaded with MSG and has no nutritional value whatsoever. You should know better.

Take a deep breath. You're going to need it.

Genetically, humans of all ethnicities are 99.99% the same. Crazy, eh?

Your lucky animal is the naked mole rat.

Somewhere in the world right now lightning is hitting a tree. Nothing profound about that, honest.

A roofing nail on the road came dangerously close to puncturing your tire on the way here.

The next time you visit the dairy section at your local grocery store there will be an acute shortage of homo milk. There will be no fuss because no one drinks that stuff anyways.

There are no lucky numbers on the back of this slip. Pick your own.

Have you ever considered raising chickens? Reconsider.

The mother of all hair spiders is living inside your shower drain, just beyond your reach.

Why are you looking for enlightenment inside your baked goods anyways?