Reasons why I love my mom

My mom doesn't know the difference between Chad Kroeger:


and Jeff Buckley:


But she is perfectly capable of arguing about Alice Cooper with stoned patrons of felafel restaurants.

She has black eyes that shoot lasers.

She can move her chin completely independently from the rest of her face.

She secretly unplugs the washer and dryer on New Years Day so that the tenants won't use them and unleash fire and brimstone on the earth. She also gets really pissed off when you open up cans upside down.

She looks ten years younger then she actually is. Good genes.

Out of all of us, she has the most education, the best job and has always been the most consistently employed. Without her we would surely starve.

She is the sort of person who will pop out her dentures to scare small children into brushing their teeth.

She wears lots of flashy vintage jewelry that turns heads. No one else wears that stuff, and if they do, it's not as sparkly.

Every time she pulls a carrot or something out of the garden she calls out "self sufficiency!" with a very ironic voice.

She calls daschunds viciouses and says they'll bite your legs off.

This mother's day I very considerately asked her if I could help with dinner and when she started telling me what she was going to do rather than what I was going to do, I secretly snuck away.