Whatever would we do without you, Kim?

Dear Kim,
I love everything about you.

I love the way that you are so perfect. I really admire the fact that others are always wrong and you are always right, and you are never afraid to tell them that. I love the way that you try to educate others by stressing that they are not perfect and leading by example.

I love the way that you can always find someone to blame. For years we all thought that there was no such person, but to our delight, you found many. I love how it is always someone elses fault. I'm sorry that they're always trying to bring you down.

I love the way that you are so pretty. Your choice of clothing is impeccable. I love the way that you wear everything so tight that a roll of fat bulges out between your shirt and pants. It's very attractive.

I love the way that you work harder and suffer more than any of the rest of us. You really are the only person in the world who strives to achieve goals, who motivates everyone, who performs the best. It must be very, very hard to stay on top. The starving children in Africa, prisoners of war, and victims of genocide simply do not know your pain.

I love the way that you go to great lengths to remind us how hard you are working and how lazy we are. We used to forget that we are lazy, blundering idiots, but now with you here, how could we possibly forget?

I love the way that you are the centre of the universe. I love the way that you can use the fact that your every needs are not being catered to as an excuse for doing a half-assed job. I love the fact that you grace our presence with your constant complaints, and how we never hear the end of it whenever you don't get what you want.

I love the fact that your inexperience makes you better than the rest of us. You must have trained extra hard to be able to row so much better than us. No?

I love the way that you are not afraid to lie to people even when it is blatantly obvious that you are doing so.

I want to thank you Kim, for doing such a good job being yourself, and always giving us all something to talk about. I used to think the rest of us had nothing in common. Now I guess we do. I'm not sure what we would do without you.