Sunday, June 01, 2008

I need to sleep

It creeps up on me every once in a while. It starts in the pit of my stomach with a knot that rises, stringing my heart along with it, fluttering and palpitating until it comes to rest at the back of my throat. I choke on it as it sits there lodged.

I can't think straight. Things fly off in all directions. I don't think rationally, and when I do it's upstaged by the tickertape panic running all over everything.

I avoid people because I become worried that I'll do something stupid, yet alone I will feel claustrophobic and caged. The walls close in. My heart races. I wander around with a butcher knife. I curse myself for being so dumb.

I close my eyes, take deep breaths but that only seems to make it worse. My heart's still fluttering in my throat.

I want some valium but I don't have any. I settle for a tall glass of something hard, drank straight to calm my nerves. Today it works. It doesn't always.

I don't do this often, honest. I shouldn't even be posting this, but fuck it, I'm drunk. I wasn't lying when I said I self medicate.

Tomorrow morning I'll be fine.