She strikes again

I was rummaging through the fridge, looking for a kiwi. Mom wanted to do her ironing. Conversation ensued:

"Get out of my way or I'll smack you with this ironing board."

"Get out of my way or I'll throw this kiwi at you!"

"Well I'll use my ironing board as a shield!"

"I'll propel the kiwi through your shield."

"I'll defend myself with this knife!"

"I'll left-handed karatechop the knife from your hand!"

Then, being clearly beaten, my mother retreated to the shadows from whence she came. I sat down and began to eat. Halfway through the kiwi, I froze in fear, feeling the cold butt of a banana pressed into my back.

"So we meet again, Banana woman." I said, "I should have seen right through your disguise as ironing-board-and-breadknife woman. You got the better of me this time, but mark my words, I'll be back..."

Yet another reason why I have to move out. Soon.