Everything I needed to know I learned from commercials on TV

People who buy Mitsubishi vehicles are retarded because they don't bother to adequately test-drive them first.

I love cheese, therefore I must continue to leech off my parents.

People who shop at Home Hardware need overly-elaborate multitools to accomplish the simplest tasks.

Collecting Air Miles with a BMO debit card causes low-flying planes to demolish the stores you use the card in.

If you don't eat your vegetables people will slap you.

Spraying salad dressing in spritzer form on people will neither piss them off or stain their clothes.

Whiskas food makes cats very anthropomorphic while Whiskas treats turns cats into rockets.

Debbie Travis doesn't have much style but I love her anyways.

Not having your eyes checked once per year will trigger the apocolypse.

Need a social insurance number? Need to apply for Canada Pension Plan? Government employees could be stationed anywhere to serve you, even inside the back of trucks, closets and zamboni engines. Be on the lookout.

Tostitos make women sit around and talk to each other, because nothing else does.

Having good car insurance lulls elevator repairmen into a false sense of security and unsafe work environments.