I hate to say it but...

Alright, debrief.

I arrived at the wedding in relatively high spirits, thinking that I would stay for a few hours, be really gracious and friendly and then make a speedy getaway. As soon as I got there I found Kathy fuming and muttering that she wanted a cigarette and figured from that that something was up.

The backstory here is that Kathy is, for lack of a better term, the nicest sucker there is. If you're stuck, she will spend more of her time and money than is necessary to help you out, so when a certain someone went all bridezilla last week, Kathy volunteered to help a little. She was given one task over the phone, only to arrive and find that what she was expected to do had ballooned into a full-page list. Not only that, she ended up being the one taking the flak for anything that went wrong - the fact that there wasn't enough cutlery, that someone had been left out of the seating arrangement, that no one knew where the cake was supposed to go.

We went outside so she could vent and then I said to her "This is not your wedding. You did not plan it. You are not getting paid to help. You are not responsible for fuckups. You are a guest and will demand to be treated like one." And when during dinner the mother-in-law came over in a flap demanding that Kathy drop everything and make adjustments to the seating plan, I barked orders to do exactly the opposite. The wholething was beginning to piss me off too.

The wedding itself? The ceremony was nice and short. After that everything dragged, so before we were halfway into the planned activities, we were almost three hours behind schedule. Every time I tried to take a picture, the photographer got right in my way so I have quite a few pictures of her pink, denim-clad butt (who the hell wears jeans and a sweatshirt to a wedding?). I was at the best dressed and least well behaved table, but can you blame us when we're hungry and thirsty and there's nothing to do? (And also, if you want conversations to stay polite and G-rated you shouldn't invite Brown at all because he'll always drag us all down to the gutter with him.)

The entertainment consisted of trivia games which the guests weren't allowed to participate in and home movies, one of which was kind of funny, but the rest of which were boring and too long. Two tables left before cake was served and we were playing poker at ours. After cake our table excused itself and ran off to a party.

I hate to say it but that wedding badly needed alcohol. Not that it ever solves anything...