Tuesday, August 07, 2007

In which I experience a temporary bout of paranoia

IMG_5837_1All I can say is that I've been really, really on edge since yesterday. I went to bed tired last night and woke up genuinely paranoid about practically everything.

Part of it's just where my head is at right now and part of it is that I'm taking a course overload at school next semester and the books aren't in at the bookstore yet. Part of it is that I've got a lot of social stuff happening in the next couple of weeks when I'm usually used to doing absolutely nothing that doesn't involve work or getting groceries.

So then all of a sudden I'm in a band because "you're in our band and you're coming to jam with us" and someone on Facebook is quite insistent that we absolutely have to have brunch and I'm wondering why the hell that is, especially since we've never met and are you just being friendly or do you like me or something? And why this week? Why not later? Why not never? Why not let me curl up under a rock and die?

And then there's the damn wedding coming up and if there's a possible way that I can get out of it I will. But it's looking like there won't be. As much as I don't really feel all that close to the bride I've known the maid of honour for almost 17 years and I can't really leave her can I? But as much as I try to be positive, everything about this whole thing makes me feel bitter and angry and I just want it to be over with.

Then I'm going to go see Wilco with Peter and his entourage which is cool because I wanted to go anyways, and I don't think it would be even possible for him to come across as anything but a really nice person. It's getting home afterward that's got me paranoid, because I could take the bus and if all else fails, I could walk home from wherever. And then I start going off on a tangent and think that I could just round a bunch of people up and take them home with me but do I have enough sleeping bags? And wouldn't I feel bad about possibly waking them up accidentally when I have to work in the morning (because as far as I'm concerned I can leave people with a spare key and they can let themselves out)? And what if someone falls down the ladder from the loft and cracks their head open (do I have insurance for that?) and what if I don't have enough cheerios and aren't you a dumbass for expecting people to have to bus an extra hour to get back to the ferry the next day.

But at the same time I think I've got a couch and lots and lots of room and foam and five sleeping bags and I could easily offer it to anyone but I'd rather they just ask nicely and I'd just say yeah, go ahead but be warned I'm out of food and toothpaste and I get dibs on the shower and let me know you're coming so I can clean a little.

And I know that I get lonely sitting at home alone sometimes, and that I think that I should meet some new people and get out more, but damn it, I'm not feeling good about some of this stuff at all.

I'm not usually like this. I am not usually like this at all. Sheisse.